My first time seeing my son felt like a dream .I was brought to the room by a wheel chair. I came in to the nursery and there was this box on wheels. Inside was this tiny little dude, his eyes were covered and most of his face was covered by his C-PAP. But I could see his perfect little fingers and toes. Every single one was just right, and he was quite the mover too. Which got him in to trouble sometimes. Pulling out his IVs and and pulling his C-PAP off countless times. I remember see him alarm for the first time, i started bawling. This was my child ,I couldn't hold him ,I couldn't feed him ,I could stop his pain ,and i had to leave him. Cause i started shaking and my head was killing me. I went back to my room and cried my eyes out. Why did this happen to Isaiah ,and Nate? They didn't deserve this!!!
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| 1 day old, 1lb 3oz. and 12 inches long. |
So many feelings were running through my head, some things I wouldn't even tell those closest to me. All my nurses and Doctors kept saying "We hope he makes it." And I wanted to scream NO HE WILL ,but I didn't even know myself. Yet i was reminded again of what God had spoken to me way before he was born. And at times that gave me peace, but my mind is a crazy place. It wouldn't stop going through everything that could happen to him!
After a week and a half i was released. And then the routine began ,I would wake up ,eat ,and walk out the door. Drive downtown and sit next to his bed ,just watching him. He was so tiny and so fragile. Every time I left him my heart would break ,and i always was thinking ,what if this was the last time i saw him. But then I started to grow numb ,this was my life now. Nothing else seemed to matter, I couldn't focus on anything ,I couldn't engage in normal life. My heart ,and mind were somewhere else.
People couldn't understand ,they were offended because I wasn't happy like everyone else who had babies. Seeing moms with their babies was so hard for me at first ,I just wanted to be with my baby. That seemed to be the only thing that was right ,to me.
Days turned in to weeks, and weeks turned in to months. Everyday was a challenge in its own, on the surface he looked healthy .But underneath his skin was a different story. By month 3 we had been given a list of everything that he was sick with ;Chronic Lung Disease, ASD (heart defect) ,Issues with his Kidneys ,and bad reflux. Resulting in the need for C-pap for most of his stay at the Hospital. Then at the beginning of month 5 they said they think he needs a Nissin G-tube put in place. To stop his reflux which was getting food in to his airways making it difficult to maintain proper oxygen saturation ,and keep his blood Co2 levels out of the danger zone. We were kinda of frustrated they couldn't find this out earlier. But God's plan rules over all, and they did the surgery. Within 2 1/2 days he had come off of the Vent, and C-pap.
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| Right after his big surgery! |
So he was then about 5 1/2 months old, they said we should start preparing for his homecoming!!! It was one of the scariest things ever, this was all i knew. Him being in the hospital, his nurses always being there, praying every day for some good news. And now it was happening!!!! We were finding ourselves waiting for them to say ,"wait never mind he's not ready". Then the day came, it was October 19th ,2011 .After a few scares ,and hours of waiting for the doctor to come sign the paper releasing him. We were walking out the door for hopefully the last time. It was overwhelming , and i was scared to death! Yet i kept getting this "I am with you ,and I have never left you" The Lord has never let us ,we have been surrounded by His grace and love from the moment i first found out i was pregnant.
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| Going Home!!!! |
Although we are not out of the woods yet ,we have a hope and peace that no one can take away. And we are so thankful for everyday that we have with our beautiful baby boy ,Isaiah Wade.
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